ASK ROTTEN ADVICE: Online Reviews

Dear Rotten Advice:

The product my company makes has been getting some terrible online reviews. The product isn't really that bad, though it does have a few flaws and there have been a couple of minor injuries. Would it be OK for me to post my own review, to even out the score?

Nikleb Salesguy*

Dear Salesguy:

Posting your own review may sound like a good idea, but it's not. There's only one of you, and thousands of dissatisfied customers; you need leverage. If there's one thing the web has to offer, it's millions of people with time on their hands. Why not harness that potential for your cause? It's easier than you might think - Amazon has a terrific service called Mechanical Turk that allows you to advertise for folks to perform small online tasks, usually for less than a dollar a pop. For a modest investment, you could have a hundred positive reviews online overnight. And while they're writing glowing reviews for your product, why not also have your online minions mark negative reviews "not helpful"? You'll get more positives and minimize the effects of the negatives: WIN!

Do be sure to use an assumed name when you're advertising for reviewers, so competitors and nosy bloggers can't figure out what's going on. Use your own name spelled backwards - it's easy to remember, and nobody will figure it out.

You may be asking: is this legal? Absolutely! Here's a better question: wouldn't your competitors be doing the same thing, if they were as smart as you are?

*We've changed the company name, to protect the writer's identity.

Forward To All Your Friends!!!1!!

Go ahead - send that message to everyone in your address book!!!

Sure, it seems unlikely that Microsoft will send you $1,000 just for forwarding an email, but it could be true. And what if the sodium lauryl sulfate in your shampoo really is killing you? Starbucks is a 9/11 profiteer? Andy Kaufman is alive? Wouldn't you want everyone to know?

What do you have to lose?

It's not like there's an easy way to figure out whether it's a hoax.

ASK ROTTEN ADVICE: Honesty is the Best Policy

Dear Rotten Advice:

At our family Christmas party this year, my sister-in-law and I found ourselves in the kitchen getting more pigs-in-a-blanket. While I was bent over the stove, she pinched me in the bum!

This is eating me up inside. I had no idea my sister-in-law felt that way about me! Should I tell my wife?

- Object of Affection

Dear Object:

You must tell your wife.

If your brother was having an affair with your wife, you'd want to know, wouldn't you?* There's only one way to handle this: call together the entire family for a meeting. Sit everyone down and clear the air. (If it helps, have several drinks first, so you're sure you say exactly what you mean.) This is also a great time to confront other family members about their offensive personal habits and political opinions. But avoid talking about religion; you're a uniter, not a divider.

This courageous act will bring your life and marriage back into harmony. Just be prepared for all the extra lovin' your honest and forthright ways will bring you!

*I'm at least 75% sure your brother is not having an affair with your wife.

Next Thing You Know, You'll Be Partying With Al Gore

Are you committed to a greener world?

Well, a good way to start is to eat locally grown foods.

Try sampling the various foods growing in your own neighborhood, such as post-rain storm mushrooms and berries from local bushes.

Affordable Childcare

Taking care of the kids can be exhausting work. A break now and then sure does sound good. But babysitters are so expensive and after last time, Grandma refuses to take them. Don't get too glum, we've got a solution!

Did you know that Child Protective Services (CPS) will watch your kids for you - FOR FREE?

Whether it's a night on the town or a week in Bermuda, a well placed "anonymous" call is all it takes and you're on your way to some well-deserved 'me' time.

Extended Warranties - How Can You Lose?

Let's face it - quality ain't what it used to be. Time was, you could expect to hand a transistor radio down to your kids. Nowadays, you'll be lucky if your newfangled laptop computer lasts until it becomes obsolete.

So when fine merchandisers such as CompUSA and The Sharper Image offer to DOUBLE the length of your warranty for a mere 20% of the purchase price, jump at the chance. You're not just insuring that your new acquisition will outlast you - you're buying peace of mind.

And that's money in the bank. Figuratively speaking.

Hey! Alligator Hands!

Are the taunts getting to you? What's worse than chronically dry, winter hands? Nothing, that's what.

A quick tip to solving this mortifying dilemma: Stop Washing Them.

Your silken handshake will 'smooth' your way forward from that moment on!